The chance of bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.

1. Which nuts constantly seem to have a cold?
Cashews.

2. There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

3. Q: What do Belgians cry?
     A: Little chocolatiers!

4. What would we have called the color orange if it wasn’t a fruit?

5. Q: Which type of vegetable tries to be cool, but is only partly successful at it?
    A: The radish.

6. Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

7. Q: How did Reese eat her ice cream?
    A: Witherspoon.

8. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she is doing.

9. Q: What do computers snack on?
    A: Microchips.

10. Toasters are like tanning beds for breads.

11. Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
      A: They’re shellfish.

12. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

13. Q: Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert?
      A: Because they’re always stuffed.

14. The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.

15. “My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.” -Orson Welles.

16. “McDonald’s Breakfast for under a dollar actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.” -George Carlin.

17. Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

18. Customer: I refuse to eat this sandwich. Will you call the manager?
Waiter: There’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

19. A man walks into the library, approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
The librarian says, “Sir, you know this is a library, right?”
“Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

20. “I think kale salad is what they call a ‘double negative.'” -Jim Gaffigan.