A wise man once said, “There are two kinds of people: Those who go to Starbucks and those who don’t.”
I admit, I fall into the latter category. It must be hard to believe. I mean, Starbucks is basically a necessity in life by now, like running water and Instagram. However, you’ll never find an iced mocha latte “Starbucks selfie” if you’d stalk me on social media and there’s no way I’ll memorize made-up names for small, medium and large. (Why does the barista have to roll her eyes every time someone says small instead of tall? Seriously.)
But I’ve heard things about it. Say, that if you’re a blonde girl wearing Uggs (PSA please throw them away) you probably get a Pumpkin Spice Latte. If you’re a hipster from New York City you probably get a cool caramel macchiato. And if you’re a dog at one of the locations then you’re probably a tiny Chihuahua or an English Pitbull.
This week I decided to “rediscover” Starbucks – purely for sociological purposes. (And to trick the establishment into thinking my name is Wolverine.) Like a war correspondent in the midst of action, I wanted to experience Starbucks and see how it defines the people who swear by it. I observed, did some recon. Creeped a few people out. Made accidental eye contact with dozens of them. In essence, I did some people-watching and basked in the green greatness that is Starbucks. What did I discover on this journey? I’m glad you asked.
It occurred to me that what people order is indeed reflective of their personality. Here’s how I would divide them into groups:
1. The Espresso Drinkers
These are basically people in fancy suits. Perhaps they come from Wall Street? They seem to be in a rush and are very particular about how their order is executed. This makes total sense to me since espresso is essentially a shot of adrenaline that can turn any zombie back into human form. Their main aim is to get that caffeine into their system as quickly as possible. They are always on their phones and move at lightning speed. Very interesting creatures.
2. The Juice Lovers
The most rebellious of the group. They don’t even bother to look at the menu; they just grab a bottle of fruit juice. Most of them look like they just came from the gym or are perhaps heading there. However, what kind of monster goes to Starbucks for juice? That’s like going to a pizza place and ordering mustard. It makes absolutely no sense. I came to the conclusion that they secretly must love bragging to people about their “fitspo” lifestyle. They also must rub it in others’ faces that they can run on the treadmill for a thousand years. Such arrogant creatures! The least they could do is stay away from a respectable establishment like Starbucks with their fake cheese and organic cheeseburgers.
3. The College Students
They come in. Plug in their laptops… then don’t order anything. FASCINATING
4. The Chocolate Squad
For some reason, individuals that order anything with chocolate are moms. But they’re cool moms. How did I know this? Well they got chocolate. Furthermore, I guarantee you one of the moms in that group goes crazy every time “All The Single Ladies” comes on and she most certainly has her hands up. I found them to be the friendliest of creatures.
5. The Barista’s Worst Nightmare
There are humans out there (you probably know a lot of them) that believe if their coffee order isn’t insanely complicated, it’s basically toilet water. So there they go: “Hey, I want exactly 2 scoops of sugar with a dash of soy milk and 17 pumps of caramel sauce – oh, and a Christmas Cookie Frappuccino,” or if they’re not in the mood for their usual they’ll get a “Non-Fat Latte with a drizzle of vanilla, a tiny squirt of caramel and some matcha powder, no ice, no water.” I’m not making this up people, I’ve witnessed this madness. In all fairness, these individuals really know what they want. Plus, I won’t lie – some of them sounded pretty cool when they described which key components they desired in their drinks – like they were describing the meaning of life itself in glorious detail. Then I quickly realized that I’m right behind them and by the time they finish, it would be the future already and someone would have invented a time machine. Then I’d probably use that machine to go back in time so that I don’t have to be on the same Starbucks line listening to the same person talk about their complicated order.
Wait, did I hear you correctly? Did you just ask me what I get in Starbucks? Aww, why thank you for asking. Well I’ll tell you but promise me you won’t laugh even though you will. I always get an Iced Coffee with French Vanilla. Extra cream and extra sugar. Whipped cream if I want to stunt on them haters.
Plot Twist: On those rare occasions when I’m a Starbucks consumer, I’m also very particular about my drink.
Mind = blown.
Anton Puno is a writer and YouTuber from Queens, New York. He enjoys fashion, poetry and photography.
Cover photo by Isaac Benhesed.