Coffee Conclusions

A wise man once said, “There are two kinds of people: Those who go to Starbucks and those who don’t.”

I admit, I fall into the latter category. It must be hard to believe. I mean, Starbucks is basically a necessity in life by now, like running water and Instagram. However, you’ll never find an iced mocha latte “Starbucks selfie” if you’d stalk me on social media and there’s no way I’ll memorize made-up names for small, medium and large. (Why does the barista have to roll her eyes every time someone says small instead of tall? Seriously.)

But I’ve heard things about it. Say, that if you’re a blonde girl wearing Uggs (PSA please throw them away) you probably get a Pumpkin Spice Latte. If you’re a hipster from New York City you probably get a cool caramel macchiato. And if you’re a dog at one of the locations then you’re probably a tiny Chihuahua or an English Pitbull.

This week I decided to “rediscover” Starbucks – purely for sociological purposes. (And to trick the establishment into thinking my name is Wolverine.) Like a war correspondent in the midst of action, I wanted to experience Starbucks and see how it defines the people who swear by it. I observed, did some recon. Creeped a few people out. Made accidental eye contact with dozens of them. In essence, I did some people-watching and basked in the green greatness that is Starbucks. What did I discover on this journey? I’m glad you asked.

It occurred to me that what people order is indeed reflective of their personality. Here’s how I would divide them into groups:

1. The Espresso Drinkers

These are basically people in fancy suits. Perhaps they come from Wall Street? They seem to be in a rush and are very particular about how their order is executed. This makes total sense to me since espresso is essentially a shot of adrenaline that can turn any zombie back into human form. Their main aim is to get that caffeine into their system as quickly as possible. They are always on their phones and move at lightning speed. Very interesting creatures.

2. The Juice Lovers

The most rebellious of the group. They don’t even bother to look at the menu; they just grab a bottle of fruit juice. Most of them look like they just came from the gym or are perhaps heading there. However, what kind of monster goes to Starbucks for juice? That’s like going to a pizza place and ordering mustard. It makes no sense. I came to the conclusion that they secretly must love bragging to people about their “fitspo” lifestyle. They also must rub it in others’ faces that they can run on the treadmill for a thousand years. Such arrogant creatures! The least they could do is stay away from a respectable establishment like Starbucks with their fake cheese and organic cheeseburgers.

3. The College Students

They come in. Plug in their laptops… then don’t order anything. FASCINATING

4. The Chocolate Squad

For some reason, individuals that order anything with chocolate are moms. But they’re cool moms. How did I know this? Well they got chocolate. Furthermore, I guarantee you one of the moms in that group goes crazy every time “All The Single Ladies” comes on and she most certainly has her hands up. I found them to be the friendliest of creatures.

5. The Barista’s Worst Nightmare

There are humans out there (you probably know a lot of them) that believe if their coffee order isn’t insanely complicated, it’s basically toilet water. So there they go: “Hey, I want exactly 2 scoops of sugar with a dash of soy milk and 17 pumps of caramel sauce – oh, and a Christmas Cookie Frappuccino,” or if they’re not in the mood for their usual they’ll get a “Non-Fat Latte with a drizzle of vanilla, a tiny squirt of caramel and some matcha powder, no ice, no water.” I’m not making this up people, I’ve witnessed this madness. In all fairness, these individuals really know what they want. Plus, I won’t lie – some of them sounded pretty cool when they described which key components they desired in their drinks – like they were describing the meaning of life itself in glorious detail. Then I quickly realized that I’m right behind them and by the time they finish, it would be the future already and someone would have invented a time machine. Then I’d probably use that machine to go back in time so that I don’t have to be on the same Starbucks line listening to the same person talk about their complicated order.

Wait, did I hear you correctly? Did you just ask me what I get in Starbucks? Aww, why thank you for asking. Well I’ll tell you but promise me you won’t laugh even though you will. I always get an Iced Coffee with French Vanilla. Extra Cream and Extra Sugar. Whipped Cream if I want to stunt on them haters.

Plot Twist: On those rare occasions when I’m a Starbucks consumer, I’m also very particular about my drink.

Mind = blown.

 

Anton Puno is a writer and YouTuber from Queens, New York. He enjoys fashion, poetry and photography. When he is not being a stereotypical hipster, he is most likely bragging to Adelle Goldenberg about being a contributor at GlamSalad.com.

Cover photo by Molly Meisels for The Glam Salad ©

4 thoughts on “Coffee Conclusions

  1. Kate

    Espresso drinker here: Although Starbucks are convenient and on almost every other corner, I think it is important to support the locally owned “Mom and Pop” coffee shops that generally make better tasting drinks.

    That being said, I still tend to obtain my espresso laiden drinks from the Starbucks in my office rather than walk 4 city blocks to the next coffee shop. 5/10 for taste; 10/10 for convenience

    Like

  2. Samantha M.

    Can I be a part of the chocolate squad even tho I’m not a mom? Maybe it’s training to be a mom some day? I think I’m just into anything that’s loaded with chocolate, caramel, and 10 x’s the daily dose of sugar a human being is suppose to consume.

    I also need those IG likes! Nothing like a Starbucks-gram to get those likes in. It’s a sugar and image boost! ;p Great article! Can’t wait for more!

    Like

  3. Sophie

    “The College Students: They come in. Plug in their laptops… then don’t order anything. FASCINATING”

    A bright smile upon my lips as I read this as I had definitely been guilty of this on occassion freshman year when I 1. had a hundred pages to read for class, 2. wanted the “social” aspect of being out and about, but didn’t have any actual friends nearby and 3. was feeling too sorry for myself and pitying my boredom, and wanted eye-candy potential, but didn’t actually want coffee.
    So young, fabulous, and awkward… I get it 😉

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  4. Bwhaha, this honestly made me laugh a lot, as i ALWAYS go into Starbucks and get myself my usual Grande Caramel Macchiato. They take one look at me and BOOM they know ahaha guess I’m a hipster just need NYC now,. Anton I really enjoyed this!. *types while drinking Caramel Macchiato*

    Like

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