Alternate punniness: the heart wants what it swipes?
I was so done scrolling through Instagram and seeing 1,000 selfies every time I waited for my morning coffee. Seriously, these days practically everyone spends their free time swiping. It was time for me to join the bandwagon.
As the great hip hop preachers say: “You can’t just talk (complain) about it, you gotta be about it.” So, I got the apps. All of them. Turns out, it’s basically magical: By answering “simple” online questions like “Are you anti-social?” and “Starbucks or nah?” an algorithmic matchmaker sets you up with your new stalker, I mean lover.
Here is the delightful saga of my two dating-app dates:
The first one matched my personality perfectly. Just like me, she was adventurous, open-minded and even a food lover. Perfect, right? Well the first half of the date went swimmingly. We had a casual dinner at a café. Dim lights, hipsters everywhere and overpriced shrimp, shout-out to Brooklyn. Initially we had an array of topics to discuss since we shared common interests and aspirations. However, towards the end of the night we had NOTHING to talk about. LIKE ZERO TOPICS. I could hear crickets. We were quieter than outer space, and I’d imagine space is really quiet. (NASA readers don’t quote me on this.) But why no topics, you ask? The two of us were so alike that we kept talking about the same things over and over again. None of us could talk about a different topic since we were too similar. I mean the date wasn’t bad, but I was expecting more. I was surprised to see that the personality algorithm wasn’t that accurate after all.
My second date went much better, I have to say. Well, mainly because I couldn’t get a word in. She did ALL the talking. See, what I did for the second one was that I picked the complete opposite of me, thinking this should produce better results than the one that was too similar. Also, don’t opposites attract? WRONG. That night I learned about all the different kinds of yoga that exist in the world. And all the workout routines she does at the gym. And the reason why she hates tank tops in the summer. And why she loves going to the gym… oh wait I already said that.
So, are dating apps the best thing ever? Personally, I certainly miss the times when you’re just sitting in class, inches away from your crush. You turn your head and actually say, “Hey.” (or do nothing and anxiously hope they can’t hear your heart beating like crazy.)
I just don’t understand why dating apps are preferable to starting conversations with people. Am I that lazy that I’d rather watch HBO by myself at home and hope that a Daenerys Targaryen falls from the sky? Maybe.
In the near future, I’ll let you know how meeting people organically works out. Who knows, maybe Daenerys works out with her dragons at the local sports club. Oh, and also, it’s still more fun to swipe while waiting for my Starbucks than seeing your acai breakfast bowls on my Insta-feed.
Anton Puno is a writer and YouTuber from Queens, New York. He enjoys fashion, poetry and photography. When he is not being a stereotypical hipster, he is most likely bragging to Adelle Goldenberg about being a contributor at GlamSalad.com.
Cover photo by Everton Vila