One-Liners, Part 3

Let’s get right into it, shall we?

1. This is my step ladder. I never met my real ladder.

2. It’s okay guacamole, I am extra too. ~@jessobsess

3. There’s no “I” in denial.

4. Me: I’m going to bed early tonight.
Me:
Me: Is that the sun?

5. Life is so boring when you don’t have an online order to look forward to.

6. When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends.” ~@bridger_w

7. I would lose weight but I hate losing.

8. Dentist: open up please
Me: sometimes I get sad

9. Hey Starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater. ~@vineyille

10. Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco truck.

11. [Hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite.”
~aveuaskew

12. Your secret is safe with me and my best friend.

13. “I finally found the one. I’m in love & I’ve never been happier!”
*Thinks of calzone in my pocket*
“Me too.”
~@aveuaskew

14. Some days I amaze myself… Other days I put my keys in the fridge.

15. Humans of New York: what’s your story?
Me: I just fell asleep on this bench.

16. Be the chill you wish to see in the world.

17. When you’re grocery shopping, pick up a loaf of bread, stare at it, then turn to another customer and ask, “How do they think of this stuff?”
~@bridger_w

18. I just want to lay in a pile of warm laundry and eat bread.

19. How I flirt:
*avoids that person*

20. No matter what, pizza will always be there for you, thick and thin, in crust we trust.

21. [watching the Olympics]
“That doesn’t look very hard.”
[watching two people have a healthy, happy relationship]
“Howww”
~@goodhairperson

22. You’re my favorite notification.

23. *watches own story 500 times*
Me: hahahahahha. Yes. Good stuff.

24. “So should we leave and go eat?” –me at parties.

25. 6am: *opens eyes*
I can’t wait to go to bed tonight.

26. I need friends who’ll take cool aesthetic photos of me while I pretend I’m not looking.

27. *owns tons of things*
*wears same 3 things*

28. I hope whoever ends up with me enjoys my 13 alarms and when I snooze each of them.

29. Sick of having to go to two 
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. ~@leemanish

30. Wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be proud of me.

 

Contact for credit: hello@glamsalad.com

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