Let’s get right into it, shall we?
1. This is my step ladder. I never met my real ladder.
2. It’s okay guacamole, I am extra too. ~@jessobsess
3. There’s no “I” in denial.
4. Me: I’m going to bed early tonight.
Me: Is that the sun?
5. Life is so boring when you don’t have an online order to look forward to.
6. When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends.” ~@bridger_w
7. I would lose weight but I hate losing.
8. Dentist: open up please
Me: sometimes I get sad
9. Hey Starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater. ~@vineyille
10. Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco truck.
11. [Hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite.”
12. Your secret is safe with me and my best friend.
13. “I finally found the one. I’m in love & I’ve never been happier!”
*Thinks of calzone in my pocket*
14. Some days I amaze myself… Other days I put my keys in the fridge.
15. Humans of New York: what’s your story?
Me: I just fell asleep on this bench.
16. Be the chill you wish to see in the world.
17. When you’re grocery shopping, pick up a loaf of bread, stare at it, then turn to another customer and ask, “How do they think of this stuff?”
18. I just want to lay in a pile of warm laundry and eat bread.
19. How I flirt:
*avoids that person*
20. No matter what, pizza will always be there for you, thick and thin, in crust we trust.
21. [watching the Olympics]
“That doesn’t look very hard.”
[watching two people have a healthy, happy relationship]
22. You’re my favorite notification.
23. *watches own story 500 times*
Me: hahahahahha. Yes. Good stuff.
24. “So should we leave and go eat?” –me at parties.
25. 6am: *opens eyes*
I can’t wait to go to bed tonight.
26. I need friends who’ll take cool aesthetic photos of me while I pretend I’m not looking.
27. *owns tons of things*
*wears same 3 things*
28. I hope whoever ends up with me enjoys my 13 alarms and when I snooze each of them.
29. Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. ~@leemanish
30. Wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be proud of me.
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