30 Hilarious One-Liners

Here’s a dose of amazing jokes!

1) I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

2) I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. -Ken Dodd

3) Our neighbors are the type that run marathons. We’re the type where, as we get out of our car, empty donut boxes fall out. -@Loriegz

4) Welcome to passive aggressive club. We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

5) You’re like school in the summertime – no class.

6) All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

7) Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

8) My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I need to do.

9) “You will feel a little pressure but no pain…” -Doctors or dentists about to hurt you badly.

10) If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

11) If you can’t remember my name, just say “donuts.” I’ll turn around and look.

12) PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
       ME: Thanks, have a great baby

13) I’m watching my neighbor through the blinds. He’s so creepy.

14) How many lightbulbs does it take to change people?

15) My room has really let itself go.

16) Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

17) Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki-
       Sleeping Beauty: Five more minutes

18) I almost choked on a kale chip and all I could think was ‘this almost never happens with Cinnabons.’

19) If a girl DMs you on twitter, avoid him.

20) My review of the sun: one star.

21) No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf wasn’t her grandmother.

22) My one weakness? Probably my unshakeable belief that, despite a total lack of karate training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

23) Me: Goodnight.
Brain: Pssst.
Me: What?
Brain: What disease do you think we have?

24) My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

25) “Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

26) My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.

27) Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own question? I do.

28) I’m self-deprecating but in an amaaaaaazing way.

29) He’s street smart.
Sesame Street smart.

30) Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria’s Secret.

One thought on “30 Hilarious One-Liners

  1. Pingback: #Hangry One-Liners – Glam Salad

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